So much for that...

After a month of classes, I find out that I'm not a student.

I called Admissions today since my application has been listed as Pending awhile and I need my student ID to take my calculus test tomorrow. After they review my file, they tell me that they are no longer processing applications for the fall semester, even though I submitted the application over a month ago.

As you can imagine, this is incredibly disappointing given that I've been going to class.

So I'm trying to focus on the positives:
- I don't have to pay the application fee when I apply for Spring.
- Advanced Calculus is offered in the summer, so I'll be able to complete Calculus 3 and Advanced before the fall, as originally planned.
- I can still write off the school expenses on my taxes.
- The first month of Calc 3 next semester should be a breeze.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

Go Sun Devils!

That was my moment of school pride.

University Drive from the bridge

For those unaware, I am a student at Arizona State University (Tempe). I'm only enrolled in Calc 3 at the moment, but I'm enjoying it. Class is at 7:30 in the morning, which is challenging some mornings, but I'm managing to make it somehow. We're also back to using Course Compass, which is a program I used for College Algebra, Pre-Calculus, and Calc 1, so I like it very much.

ASU has a different feel to it than SUNY OW did, which is not surprising given they are on opposite sides of the country. The campus is very active when I get out of class at 8:20 (adjusting to 50 minute classes was interesting when I'm used to 100 minute), where SUNY was a ghost town until the 10:20 block. There are bikes everywhere and rows and rows of bike racks available for students. All parking is paid (oye), which encourages students to bike whenever possible. If it was a little closer, I'd be tempted.

I have entered into an email conversation with the head violin professor about tracking down a student to teach. Her response when I asked if they were available was to ascertain which teaching style fits me best so she can pair me with the correct teacher. I like her already! I'm hoping to begin lessons next month - I miss playing.

The biggest downside for me is that the ASU colors are gold and maroon. And it's not a shade of gold I can wear. Maroon isn't terrible, but it doesn't do much for me. Gold is the primary color, so I'm hunting for an ASU shirt that is primarily white with gold on it. SUNY OW's big advantage was that green is one of my best colors.

However, you can't beat the walk to class.

Historic Palm Walk. My building is on the left.

Having It All...Eventually

A few years ago, during a particularly difficult part of life (or, as I call it, the Worst Year Ever), I made a list of the things I wanted from life. A lot of these are check-the-box goals, things that are visible rather than the esoteric goals like "To be Happy" or somesuch. I like things I can touch and feel...and attain. Some of this list looks like this:

• Gain an advanced degree, preferably a PhD
• Get married again
• Have kids (2)

The last one is a bit of a kicker given that my body refuses to cooperate in most areas of my life. But, with a little patience and money (and science!), kids are a possibility. I also get the joy of forever telling my children they were a science experiment, which I am looking forward to. 

The biological challenges of having children handled to a degree (or at least planned for), I am now looking at timeline for things. I need a timeline, even a flexible one, in order to function. Obviously the second on that list is a preferable first step (I considered having kids without getting married, or buying (read: adopting) one, but I don't think I can take care of one on my own), but I have faith there. Ideally, I'd like to be done with children-having by mid-thirties. This is, in large part, due to my concerns about the continued decline of my health. While someone else's healthy uterus will be baking  my offspring and my eggs are hearty, it is simply a basic reality of me that I can not walk on some days. While I pray for better management options or a cure for fibromyalgia, the truth is that it is degenerative and usually gets worse as people age. There is a great possibility that The Great Decline won't come until I'm into my 40s or 50s, but I don't know that. I want to be able to play with my children and the older I get, the less likely that will become. So, mid-thirties is my goal.

Well, now we've got a problem. If I was independently wealthy, this wouldn't be an issue. I could go to 5 years of grad school while having children since I don't need the physical recovery time of delivery. But I'm not independently wealthy and having children is more involved than nature intended. The cost of having a child this way could be as much as 100k per child between surrogacy and IVF. Unless Santa brings that one year, it's going to be financially difficult to make that happen without working full time. Some people are hardcore and can go to school and work full time. I applaud and envy them, but I am not one of them. And while I've got good reasons for not wanting to wait overlong on children, I don't have a good reason not to put off grad school other than "I don't wanna". 

So while I'm disappointed at realizing that I may have to put off one dream for the other, I realize that I can, in the end, have both. And that's the important part.

Saying Good-Bye to Psych of Violence

Today was my last Psychology of Violence class. We did our group presentations on historically significant acts of violence. Our group did the Attack on Pearl Harbor (which I titled "A Date That Will Live in Infamy") and I think it went very well. We had one member who didn't send in slides and I was late for class because he was emailing me asking me if he could send stuff in....20 minutes before class. He never sent me anything and I pointed out to him that he had plenty of time to speak up if he needed help. He also didn't show up to class until the very end. But I spoke to the professor, who is utterly reasonable, and she allowed us to just present without him without the loss of points.

One of the groups did the murders of Tupac and Biggie...and it was fantastic. They did a great job at both describing the series of events that led to the East Coast vs West Coast feud as well as detailing the effects that make the event historically significant. They talked about the atmosphere in LA at the time and how two unsolved, but very public, murders fed the existing problems with the LAPD and the potential government involvement. It was a really fascinating presentation.

Unfortunately, less fascinating was the group who did a collection of events, some which were less historically relevant. They used the Rodney King beatings (which is historically relevant) but they tried to tie it to Trayvon Martin and say that these were both examples of white cops beating up black people. The professor corrected them since the Trayvon situation wasn't a cop and the situation isn't unique, so it's not historically significant.

The other one I saw (I missed the first one) was on the VA Tech shooting. Fascinating stuff, especially considering that the shooter was apparently insane. The video he sent to the police was pure crazy talk. It was a cool way to end the class.

For those who are interested in some of the stuff that we discussed in this class, the professor has a youtube channel (which I think I've mentioned before). I'm not sure how long it will be active, but there's great stuff there if you want to check it out.

I'm in Love...

...with the MS in Statistics program at ASU Tempe. The Director of the Committee of Statistics whispered sweet nothing into my ear about linear progressions and I swooned. Like any new love, it's young and fragile, easily destroyed by silly things like getting a job and loans. But it's exciting and makes me hopeful for the future.

So much writing...

I have the following writing that has to be completed by graduation:

Honors Thesis
Field Report
Senior Seminar Data Presentation

All together it's probably about 50 pages. I am not excited...and knowing me, I'll wait until it's due. But once it's done, I'll graduate and be able to take a break from all this writing. I can indulge myself in the glorious work of Calculus for awhile and pretend the written word is a hobby only.

You know...until I have to write a Masters Thesis...but three years is a good break!

The Warrior Gene

My Psych of Violence class, which is generally a very cool class, today discussed the so-called "Warrior Gene". Nat Geo did a piece on it, which is fantastic if you have 45 minutes to watch. But basically, the rundown is this:

The MAOA gene, which is carried on the X-chromosome, helps degrade serotonin and other neurotransmitters. Serotonin, most people know, is one of the bodily chemicals that makes you happy. However, the MAOA enzyme steps in and keeps it from getting too highly concentrated, since too much happy can turn to aggression very quickly.

It turns out that in about 1/3 of males in the Western hemisphere, the MAOA area is shortened or dysfunctional. Case studies exist where the MAOA doesn't work at all, but this is very very rare. It is believed (and there has been some research to support) that for those males with the mutated MAOA who are exposed to violence as a child, there is a significantly increased possibility of violent behavior as an adult. Because it is carried on the X-chromosome, women have a second copy and thus have one working copy of the MAOA gene. I could start a whole other conversation about the value of gene redundancy and the fascinating science involved in the Y-chromosome, but that's another post.

Obviously this is not the only determining factor in aggressive and violent behavior. Also, it is not a pre-determinant behavior. In the video, they tested a group of bikers (one of whom has a seriously violent history), MMA fighters, two (twin) former members of an LA gang, a former Navy SEAL, three Buddhist monks, and Henry Rollins (who was involved in the entire documentary). Of that, half the bikers (but not the really violent one), the twins, the SEAL, and all three monks tested positive for the mutated gene. Rather than associate the gene with violence, it is probably better to associate it with risk-taking (the former SEAL is a huge entrepreneur) and aggressiveness.

There's an ongoing debate in genetic research about how far is too far. The fear of the Nazi eugenics program hangs over everyone in the field, as well as policy makers and the public. A 2009 court case found a man not-guilty of murder and assault because of this gene. It's a touchy topic and part of the debate regarding the value of genetics in our society. No matter where things come down, I dislike the name. Warrior has a certain connotation (a positive one according to my class) that may color the view of violent behavior in someone who happens to have this gene. However the debate goes, however, I am fascinated by it. My behavioral genetics geekery is showing....

One final down...

First final, and the most difficult, is done. I did fine, though I made some small mistakes that irritate me because I know better (the definition of a rational number is m/n, hello!), but it's over. I'll probably pull a B in the class and call it good. Takes out my chance of Dean's List this semester, but senioritis is strong enough that I just don't care.

Thursday is my other final. I'm not worried - I'll review on Wednesday night and it'll go fine. I do well in that class even when I don't study. Abnormal Human Behavior...fun stuff!

However between now and then I have two papers to write. I'm irritable about both of them, so I'm procrastinating (which is the norm for me) but I always turn them in on time.

But then...10 days off before the winter session starts!

A Girl's Life

A few weeks ago, a girl in the Honors College came to me and asked for advice. I didn't really know her, but I stepped outside with her. She asked me if I knew anything about abortions. Oye.

So we sat outside and I let her tell me what was going on. She was several months along and had originally wanted to keep the baby, but now she wasn't sure. So I explained her options (keeping it, abortion, adoption) and talked her through the pros and cons to all of them. She is certain her religious Asian parents wouldn't let her stay in the house if they knew she was pregnant. I stressed to her that, whatever decision she made, she should make it for her since she would have to live with it for the rest of her life. She expressed her concern with God's opinion of her actions, which I told her was between her and God...and no one else.

She decided to get an abortion. Because she was so far along, she needed the two day procedure. I offered the house if she couldn't go home, but she was alright. We talked after it was all done and she said she felt okay...she expected to be in more pain and was disquieted, but she was doing better than she thought she would. She said her boyfriend had been with her and took her home since he had to get back to him mom. She was drinking hot chocolate and watching a movie. She thanked me for my impartiality and for being so calm and helpful and said she'd take me out for coffee. Sweet girl.

Today I get a call and a text from her in a panic. Her "boyfriend" had been openly cheating on her. Once they did her followup appointment to make sure she was okay, he dumped her...the same day. He hasn't paid for half of the procedure like he said he would and is being openly an asshole. She's angry and very depressed. She also wants revenge. I told her to put revenge aside for a moment and to go to the student counseling center. I told her not to leave until she had an appointment with a counselor or therapist. I reminded her that her first priority had to be getting herself okay and she could deal with him later.

This girl breaks my heart on so many levels. She couldn't talk to her family, she is terrified that God hates her or will punish her, that she won't be able to have kids later on, that she might ruin her life and now she's dealing with an asshole of a boyfriend of five years. She's depressed and confused and lacks a support network to really help her. I hope she follows through with the counseling. This might go down as one of the most difficult times in her life, but it just might give her an opportunity to find her own strength.

At least I hope so.

A School Development

After all that work, I dropped Bio.

It was a horrible decision to have to make. I love the class. I love the lecture and I love that we're getting into the vertebrate physiology that I enjoy so much. But I'm behind and the stress of keeping up with that class is starting to hurt my other classes. I love science, but I can't risk my major and minor for it.

So I spoke to the professor. He said he understood. He said that sometimes you can't do everything you want to do when you want to do it. He also pointed out that graduate work in psychology can include more science, so I might get a chance to get back into a lab before it's all done. He was very comforting.

I filled out the forms to drop the class, change my major from a BS to a BA and declare my minor. While I'm very sad to have to do it, I already feel better. I feel more relaxed...I know I made the right decision. The biggest thing I had to conquer to do it was my pride. I like the feeling of being in science, of being able to do it. I will admit that I like that I can do it and there are others who can't. In psych, I so often look at my classmates and bemoan that they will get the same degree as me. I know I'm smarter and I want the world to know too. That BS in front of my degree makes me feel like the world knows. 

Well...now the math minor will have to be the way for the world to know. How many psychologists can say they conquered calculus and know the formula for the Fibonacci sequence?

I lack motivation.

I need to finish the lab report that's due today. I keep staring at it and I just don't want to write it. I also have a paper I need to finish up and email to the professor. That particular piece will effect my registration status, so it's really vital.

The list keeps going. Between the house, school, personal projects...I feel like I'm running behind constantly. I just want to be done. I want to graduate and move and not look back - put this part of my life behind me. A break before grad school is sounding even more awesome right now. I'm just worn out.

I could take a medical drop from my Bio class. I don't think the professor would give me any issues with that. But I had to fight to get into it and my pride won't let me. Also, it would change my degree from a BS to a BA. I wouldn't have to take a science next semester and it'd make what it already going to be a busy semester much easier. But again...my pride. I know I'm smart enough to do it. I just lack the energy and the focus. And, quite honestly, the motivation.

So tired.

Why do we go to school?

When I was fighting to get into my Bio class, the professor asked me why I was taking science. He pointed out that every semester I took science, my GPA went down (my Psych GPA is a 4.0). And I can get the BA in Psych without it. I told him that I wasn't in school for my GPA, I was in school to learn about things that interested me. And science interested me. Besides, when is the next time in my life I'm going to get access to a proper science lab? Most likely never.

I have repeated this concept to my classmates who are astounded that I am taking a class that most people are failing simply because I enjoy science, even though I'm not particularly good at it. I remember being their age and believing that the purpose of school was to do well (by whatever definition of "well" you ascribe to). But I waited for my education, so I think I get the privilege of learning for the sake of learning. I didn't do great on my lab practical today, but I learned a lot while taking it, including a lot about what I don't know. Every lecture class leaves me with more questions. If I had all the time in the world, I'd be an astounding biologist because the subject fascinates me on a really deep level and I'm constantly looking for ways to expand my knowledge. But I don't have all the time in the world, so I'm happy with a passing grade and a continued fascination. It brings down my GPA, but GPAs are arbitrary numbers. Knowledge may not be quantifiable, but it's so much more fulfilling.

Mandatory Fun

Today was mandatory fun with the Honors College. Thankfully, parts of it were actually fun. We traveled into the city in vans that had no air conditioning, which was misery. The traffic was a mess so we got out and walked, which at least had air. We had lunch at the Mars Restaurant, which is cheesy and silly but was a lot of fun. The food was pre-ordered and the pasta I got was average. The worst part was that, as we're walking, we're instructed to keep in groups of four. How old are we?

I got a drink with lunch (the Dean assured me that since it was off campus and I was legal, it was fine) and boy did I need it. The director of the Honors College makes me want to scream. She's unorganized and I don't think she's as smart as she thinks her PhD makes her. Blissfully, we were released to get to the show at our leisure. Thank god.

One of my classmates, Dav, and I walked over to the theater. We saw the Lion King, which was amazing. I hadn't seen it and this was free, so it was well worth dealing with being treated like a child. The man playing Scar was stellar and the entire production was fantastic. I dozed on the return trip listening to Michael Jackson, so despite sweating the entire way, it was a decent return.

A Professor Above Others

There's a professor at my school of whom I am fond. She's brilliant in her field (she's a social psychologist who has been treating first responders from 9/11 for the last decade) and loves to teach (she's been a professor at my school for 36 years). She did my independent study over the summer and allowed me to do another one this semester on trauma since the school isn't currently offering any classes. She then changed our senior seminar to incorporate aspects of trauma...and she did that for me. She asked me to TA for her as well.

Today, this professor sat me down and told me she had breast cancer. Prognosis is good - it's stage 1. No other students know and only 2 faculty. She is taking a month of medical leave at some point for radiation and surgery and wants me to keep the class moving along at the correct pace while she's gone. 


A few hours ago, she sent an email thanking me for being available to her and reminding me to slow down so I won't get sick and burn out. With everything she's dealing with today, she took the time out to do that.


I am honored by this woman's trust and attention. In class, she puts a lot of effort into truly preparing students for the aspects of this field they're interested in (social work, clinical, etc) and will help students out. She knows this is not a challenging curriculum for me and works to find other ways to make this engaging. There are teachers you never forget - this is one of them.

Small Update

I'm back in Virginia. I was supposed to be here yesterday, but my back completely died on me. Not happy. I was able to move more today and made the drive and am now happily medicated so while my back still hurts, I no longer care. I'll be back to my externship tomorrow.

In other news...

It was actually a rather productive day. I got up and went in to school (I'm interning at the Faison School in Richmond) and spent 6 hours working on my internship project, which is organizing the assessment room into a manageable system. It's like candy for me - I love to organize. Last week I cataloged what was there, now I'm comparing that to the assessments and determining what is still needed, then I'll organize the items so they can be more easily accessed by the teachers doing the assessments. I'm in heaven.

I'm enjoying the limited interaction I have with the kids. I think if it was more I'd dislike it, but I go spend a few hours in one particular classroom every other day or so and enjoy somewhat limited interaction.

Also today, I was invited to the walking group at the school, so today we walked 2.5 miles in about 40 minutes. That's a good pace and there were a lot of hills. I had a great time and I felt good having done it. I'm planning to start P90X in the fall when I'm on a regular schedule again, but in the meantime I'd like to just maintain (or even lose a little...that would be nice). My day is pretty sedentary, so any chance to be active is great.

School and Vacation

Happy news to report - I got an A in everything except Calculus, which I'm not surprised about. But I passed Calc 2 and sine I don't need to take Calc 3, I 'm not overly worried. Huzzah!

I had a bit of a scare when I looked at my grades and saw my Incomplete from last semester was an F. That was 2 out of the 3 papers I had to write last week. I logically assured myself that all Incompletes are changed to an F once the evaluation period is over and that Dr. G just hadn't gotten my grades in yet, but I emailed her anyway. I then proceeded to wake up at 3 in the morning having nightmares about my life falling apart because of an F. Thankfully, she emailed me the next day and assured me it was just the grade change being slow and that I had an A. Whew! She also complimented my writing, which made me happy.

So now I'm in Florida for the weekend enjoying the hospitality of two of our favorite people. We went to a nice dinner last night and there was definitely a moment of "It's so nice to be surrounded by grownups!" I wish they lived closer, but I'm doomed to like people who don't live near me.

Things are good. My externship begins after the holiday and I'm looking forward to starting (and completing) that. There will be two papers in the process, but one is due August 1st and the other not until Fall starts. I've got a house remodel and a move-in/decorate process to handle, but otherwise it will be a low key summer.

And I couldn't be happier.

And I'm Done!

I'm exhausted, wiped out and nearly delirious with a lack of sleep. But school is officially done for the semester! In the last week I have taken 2 tests (one of which I killed, thank you) and written about 40 pages of researched material. I'm shocked I can actually form sentences right now. Though you should see my typos pre-editing.

Tonight I'm going to pack (ever tried to pack for a month?) and get the house as tidy as possible since the house will have an inhabitant. Then an early bedtime (so needed) and off in the morning for a lovely month away.

Finals Week Meltdown

Usually I'm very good under pressure, especially in immediate emergency situations. I'm the person you want around when a window falls in on your employees (totally happened) - I am always calm, quick and decisive in those situations.

I'd kill for a falling window.

I am utterly swamped by paper writing and just had my first official finals week meltdown. I'm currently functioning on just shy of 2 hours of sleep. I sat down to work and realized the enormous amount of writing in front of me and the very small window of time I have to do it in. I lost it.

Thankfully, Kyle wasn't in court that moment and talked me off the figurative ledge. He assured me that I could get it done, that it will not keep my from grad school, that undergrad professors are not as detailed as I think they are, etc. He gave what I usually give others in this situation - clear direction and a calm, confident tone. I can't take his direction exactly because of variables he didn't know about, but I feel better. I'm going to jump in the shower and get dressed, then finish the stuff I absolutely have to do here, gather my materials and head to school. I can work from the library and prep for my last test (at 1), which is thankfully mostly studied for.

Cross your fingers. I might be able to finish this.

Visiting the Mosque

Today, my Golden Age of Islam class met at the Islamic Center of Long Island. Of course, I wore Eva Khurshid. Black dress, black tights, red shoes and red and black head scarf (women are asked to cover their hair in the Center and Mosque). We met with a lady from the community and discussed several issues, the first being Osama bin Laden. She spoke of how relieved the community was. In her words, he "hijacked [her] religion" and put a terrible face on their religion and culture.

One thing she said that really struck me was her saying how the US has changed in the 30 years she's been here. She said the country has become less tolerant and that she used to be able to say she was proud to be an American...that's not the case anymore. It was sad to hear.

Another thing we talked about as a group was the way people are celebrating the news of Osama bin Laden's death. We talked about the joyous celebrations happening around the country and how they mostly consisted of young people who grew up being taught that bin Laden was the worst kind of villain the way we were taught about Hitler. It was an interesting conversation.

The mosque itself is simple, bare and rather striking. The back section of the room can be sectioned off for those women who want to place themselves behind a screen (which is a point of contention in the community) while allowing those who want to see the imam to do so. Lessons were being held as some students were studying the Quran and other learning Arabic. There are no chairs, of course.

Overall it was a very enjoyable visit. The woman, whose name I fail to remember, spoke about how she is from India and it's part of the reason she doesn't cover her hair - it's not culturally common. She covers when she's in the mosque or community center but not in the world. She was really lovely and it was a great conversation.