The Lessons Disney Teaches Us

It seems to be the "in" thing now to hate Disney and refuse to show your daughters. I've encountered this a few times, each with the idea that "I don't want to raise her in a Princess culture." As someone raised on Disney films, both from the Golden Era at home and the Renaissance in theaters, my knee jerk reaction is one of indignation and annoyance. But it keeps coming up, so I stepped back to look at it.

I know what people are trying to say when this conversation happens. They're trying to say that they don't want to raise a daughter who waits around for a man to come along and save her from her life. I get that. But that seems to ignore a couple of points about Disney films. Since I can't tell someone how to parent their children (Being an Adult Rule #5), I can make some general points here so it will stop going over and over in my mind.

1. Disney films should not be raising your child. Your children will develop their ideas of gender roles and life goals based, in large part, on the example that the adults in their lives provide. Sure, the media plays some part, but I see this as a jumping off for discussion, rather than a lesson in itself. Watching the Golden Era, which is especially fraught with Beleaguered Princess Who Comes Across Terrible Circumstances (usually in the form of an older, jealous woman) And Must Be Saved By True Love's Kiss, I wonder why the response isn't to watch the movie and talk about it. A lot of movies made before our own have context that has to be explained (the black face numbers in musicals from Hollywood's Golden Age are a particular point). As a parent, you provide the context for everything your kid watches or reads.

2. Most Disney animated features are based on fairy tales, which aren't known for the "ladies take the lead" attitude. Some are (Mulan totally is) and Disney tends to follow through with that. But what a neat way to introduce classical fairy tales to young children and to discuss societal norms from different eras. It's a jumping off point that is accessible, and honestly, are fun to watch.

3. There are beautiful messages throughout Disney. Female empowerment isn't an obvious one until some of the Disney Renaissance and the post-Pixar era, but it's also not the only message worth looking for. I would love to see more people enter into tough situations with a joyful attitude (Snow White, Cinderella - this is a mainstay of Disney ladies) and that being yourself, even when others judge you for it,  is better than pretending to be someone you're not (Belle, Eugene from Tangled - boys get to teach us lessons to!). How many Disney characters have to push outside their comfort zone, either by choice or by circumstance, and grow because of it (Rapunzel, Snow White, Mulan)? And don't forget the importance of not judging people on appearance or social class (Dwarves, Merekat, Scary Guys in a Pub, Frogs).

4. Nature is beautiful. You will never think of the American outdoors the same way after you watch Pocahontas. The ocean goes from being a large, kinda scary thing to a stunning array of color and life in The Little Mermaid. And it's possible that The Lion King is as close to the Serengeti most people will ever get (or ever want to get). Walt loved nature, which is why there are so many Disney films (non-animated) about the glories of outdoors.

There are more, some broad concepts and some narrow ones, but the point stands - movies, Disney and otherwise, will be to your children what you make them. Such a vehemence against something designed for entertainment keeps you and your children from enjoying the beauty that comes from it. I'm not a parent yet, but it's something I'm preparing for and I know that Disney films, animated and non, will be a part of my children's lives. If nothing else, they remind you, film after film, that dreams are worth something.

Having It All...Eventually

A few years ago, during a particularly difficult part of life (or, as I call it, the Worst Year Ever), I made a list of the things I wanted from life. A lot of these are check-the-box goals, things that are visible rather than the esoteric goals like "To be Happy" or somesuch. I like things I can touch and feel...and attain. Some of this list looks like this:

• Gain an advanced degree, preferably a PhD
• Get married again
• Have kids (2)

The last one is a bit of a kicker given that my body refuses to cooperate in most areas of my life. But, with a little patience and money (and science!), kids are a possibility. I also get the joy of forever telling my children they were a science experiment, which I am looking forward to. 

The biological challenges of having children handled to a degree (or at least planned for), I am now looking at timeline for things. I need a timeline, even a flexible one, in order to function. Obviously the second on that list is a preferable first step (I considered having kids without getting married, or buying (read: adopting) one, but I don't think I can take care of one on my own), but I have faith there. Ideally, I'd like to be done with children-having by mid-thirties. This is, in large part, due to my concerns about the continued decline of my health. While someone else's healthy uterus will be baking  my offspring and my eggs are hearty, it is simply a basic reality of me that I can not walk on some days. While I pray for better management options or a cure for fibromyalgia, the truth is that it is degenerative and usually gets worse as people age. There is a great possibility that The Great Decline won't come until I'm into my 40s or 50s, but I don't know that. I want to be able to play with my children and the older I get, the less likely that will become. So, mid-thirties is my goal.

Well, now we've got a problem. If I was independently wealthy, this wouldn't be an issue. I could go to 5 years of grad school while having children since I don't need the physical recovery time of delivery. But I'm not independently wealthy and having children is more involved than nature intended. The cost of having a child this way could be as much as 100k per child between surrogacy and IVF. Unless Santa brings that one year, it's going to be financially difficult to make that happen without working full time. Some people are hardcore and can go to school and work full time. I applaud and envy them, but I am not one of them. And while I've got good reasons for not wanting to wait overlong on children, I don't have a good reason not to put off grad school other than "I don't wanna". 

So while I'm disappointed at realizing that I may have to put off one dream for the other, I realize that I can, in the end, have both. And that's the important part.

Rain on a Tin Roof

My parents own 300 acres, as seen recently in the Asher post. Kellie and I were talking about the future and we decided we really want a cabin out there that will hold the entire family (which is growing rapidly) and will be a place where kids can hang out. The current hunting cabin only sleeps 8 and is not kid-friendly. So we started mentally designing and planning the Asher Cabin.

We envision it being built on the flat spot over the big pond that my parents chose when they considered living on the property. We see a large, open downstairs with a kitchen area, dining area (large table), fireplace (maybe two), and sitting area. Lots of windows, probably east facing so that it gets warm in the winter, with storm shutters so we can protect the glass and block out sun in the summer. There would be stairs to a loft, where half walls will divide beds (reserved for adults always).

There are challenges to this. Running electricity out that far is expensive (we have electric on the main road, but we'd have to run it in and only the first two poles are free), so we'd have to plan for, initially, no electricity (though possibly a generator). Plumbing also doesn't run out there, so we'd have to plan for no running water, including toilets. But eventually, we could add a septic tank and maybe drill a well (we have several natural springs). It'd be a bit rustic to start, but it's the middle of the woods, what do you expect?

Kellie and I talked about the added bonus after mom and dad are gone - we'd have a "family home". Big enough to accommodate both our families, we see Christmas trees (we cut ours from Asher anyway) and fires and lots of kids and, someday, grandkids. We even timelined the building of it (my dad always says for anything that's happening, he's got a daughter with a list and a daughter with a plan). Our parents are preparing to expand their house (three additions), so after that's done (we're calling it 18 months even though dad says a year) then we can start actually laying plans. By then, we should all be able to pitch in, so it's three households helping pay for it instead of one.

Last night, I fell asleep to the sound of rain on my sister's metal roof. I think we should have a metal roof at the Asher Cabin, just so we can sleep to the sound of rain on it.

And we'll even let the hunters use it when we're not there...

The (tiny) Guilt of Not Breastfeeding

One of the truths to being me is that I can't carry a child through pregnancy. I don't mind, it was never something that was important to me. It is something incredibly important to my sister, who is healthy as a horse and had a relatively smooth first pregnancy and lightning fast labor (hour and a half - of which 20 minutes was in the car on the way to the hospital!). Basically, this isn't a problem, it's just life and I'm fine with it. I think of the upsides - I can have children while working on my PhD with less physical recovery time and  I will get to share the child-rearing experience with my husband from the same level of involvement and attachment, which is pretty awesome in my book.

Where I run into trouble is the ever-growing research on the benefits of breastfeeding children for their first 6 months (or longer). It's simply something I won't be able to provide - I won't be pregnant, therefore I won't have breast milk. I'm not concerned about the apparent emotional bonds and such and I know that there are perfectly healthy children who were never breastfed. But each time I come across an article or blog post about the benefits of breastfeeding, there's a brief twinge of guilt that it's just something I can't provide. It passes and I move on. Watching my sister breastfeed while we're hanging out does nothing to fuel a desire for the experience myself, but I do envy her that her child won't ever have formula (nor baby food, but that's different).

Nothing that my future children will be denied by not being breastfed is insurmountable and I know better than anyone that breastfeeding doesn't ensure a healthy life for your children (I was breastfed). But still, in our current climate, it's hard not to feel guilty, even briefly, for not being able to provide your child with what is considered, more and more, the foundation for a healthy life. 

This moment of guilt brought to you by Andrew Sullivan. Don't worry, Andrew, I don't blame you. You can't breastfeed either.