I lack motivation.

I need to finish the lab report that's due today. I keep staring at it and I just don't want to write it. I also have a paper I need to finish up and email to the professor. That particular piece will effect my registration status, so it's really vital.

The list keeps going. Between the house, school, personal projects...I feel like I'm running behind constantly. I just want to be done. I want to graduate and move and not look back - put this part of my life behind me. A break before grad school is sounding even more awesome right now. I'm just worn out.

I could take a medical drop from my Bio class. I don't think the professor would give me any issues with that. But I had to fight to get into it and my pride won't let me. Also, it would change my degree from a BS to a BA. I wouldn't have to take a science next semester and it'd make what it already going to be a busy semester much easier. But again...my pride. I know I'm smart enough to do it. I just lack the energy and the focus. And, quite honestly, the motivation.

So tired.

Finals Week Meltdown

Usually I'm very good under pressure, especially in immediate emergency situations. I'm the person you want around when a window falls in on your employees (totally happened) - I am always calm, quick and decisive in those situations.

I'd kill for a falling window.

I am utterly swamped by paper writing and just had my first official finals week meltdown. I'm currently functioning on just shy of 2 hours of sleep. I sat down to work and realized the enormous amount of writing in front of me and the very small window of time I have to do it in. I lost it.

Thankfully, Kyle wasn't in court that moment and talked me off the figurative ledge. He assured me that I could get it done, that it will not keep my from grad school, that undergrad professors are not as detailed as I think they are, etc. He gave what I usually give others in this situation - clear direction and a calm, confident tone. I can't take his direction exactly because of variables he didn't know about, but I feel better. I'm going to jump in the shower and get dressed, then finish the stuff I absolutely have to do here, gather my materials and head to school. I can work from the library and prep for my last test (at 1), which is thankfully mostly studied for.

Cross your fingers. I might be able to finish this.

The Strain of Today

So March can be summed up with the following: Flu, Midterms, Flu, Spring Break, SNOW??

Today, however, was a doozy. I have been in a panic since when I got home from break yesterday, my computer was doing a mean impression of a paperweight, but failing to do anything else...and I had a draft research paper due today. Not to mention a Calc Quiz due tomorrow. So that sets the tone for the day.

Got up early, made hair pretty (thanks, Aunt T, for all the advice!) and got out the door early enough to go to the cobbler to turn in leather boots from the winter that need some love. My heart broke to discover that my cobbler has gone out of business! I adored him and now I need to find another one. Very sad.

Work went well. I was booked the entire time I was there, which makes it go quickly, and one of the sessions was with a fellow Psych student who needed help with a lit review, so Jody (the director) assigned her to me specifically. I'm happy to be getting a good rep!

Checking in with the HC, I discovered that the bookstore messed up my book credit and told me the wrong amount at the beginning of the semester and thus I now owe them a ridiculous amount of money. I'm furious and the HC director is understanding of my fury. I'll go see them tomorrow to see what we can work out. FURIOUS.

However, a reprieve - In class I discovered that the draft was moved from today to next Monday. Happiness ensued. I can write it over the weekend and focus on my calc test that is coming up on Thursday. Oh happy day! I followed this with a wonderful discussion with my professor on a topic change (as well as discussing historical religious fiction such as The Red Tent and Mother of Believers) and she asked me to focus on a topic that she thinks I could shed a lot of light on even though it's not really covered in class. I'm thrilled.

A quick hustle off to Macy's to spend my gift card on the pair of shoes I've been coveting only to discover that the designers have gone off their heads this season and the toe box of the shoes doesn't cover the toe cleavage (tops of the toes). Now, I have previously railed against unnecessary toe cleavage in my livejournal. While I can accept it in casual shoes, such as flat, I find it rather horrid in heels, especially to the level that it was in this case. Nine West, Anne Klein...all of them! The shoes I really want, of course, are at White House Black Market, but I can't justify the expense. So I'm going to fume over this for awhile until I come to a solution.

Finally, to Best Buy in the hopes that the death of my Lappy is a a result of a faulty power source. They are ridiculously expensive, it turns out, but this entry is proof that the problem was indeed a power issue. I suppose I can be comforted to know that $80 is better than buying a new laptop.

Coping vs. Adapting

I am a Spoonie (See Spoon Theory and Butyoudontlooksick.com in my favorite links). The best part about being a Spoonie are the forums of others like me, who may have different issues or the same ones, who understand what I'm going through. When I finally got the Fibro diagnosis (no small feat), the Spoonies rejoiced about it because they understood what it's like to not know what's wrong and then finally have a word to describe it. It's amazing how helpful it is to be able to attach a word to symptoms. It's glorious. Second best thing to a cure.

Recently I read a great comment about coping vs. adapting. It was a response to a Spoonie who had been told by all the people close to her in her life (except her doctor) that it was "all in her head" and that she was "milking it". Harsh words, especially for someone who is sick. I didn't copy the comment because I didn't want to snag without permission, but my take is below.

The definition of coping (per dictionary.com) is to face or deal with responsibilities, problems or difficulties, esp. successfully or in a calm or adequate manner.

The definition of adapting is to adapt oneself to different conditions, enviroment, etc.

Coping is an important skill in life. It's how you deal with things that you might not yet be ready for. No one sees the struggle and the fight. Great if you're suddenly in a leadership position and people are looking to you for command or for reassurance.

Adapting is also very important because genetics and evolution has taught us that those species which adapt also survive.

However, if you're sick, they are a completely different set of skills.

Every person who is sick starts out learning to cope. To get through the day and then the next. To put one foot in front of another. To get through, get by. And that part about a calm or adequate manner is so important at first. It matters so much for people to not know - for the people who are your friends to think you're fine. It's vital. It means that you're not changed, really. You're the same person, just with this small thing that can be brushed away. It's just a word.

But eventually, at some point, you come to terms with being ill. You accept that it's part of you. It doesn't define you, but it's part of you and you must take it into account (Spoon Theory). It will be not brushed under the rug or ignored. And so you learn to live with it. You learn tricks and tips that become your new way of life. And while the world doesn't need to see your impairment, you start to allow those who are your friends in. You let them see that your good days aren't always as good as you say and that you have bad days. You have adapted.

However, this can lead to some just confusion among those who are brought up to speed in the adapting phase. They knew you had this illness, and that hasn't changed, so why are you suddenly acting ill? Why are you canceling plans and using your illness as an "excuse" when you never did before? It's easy to see why they wouldn't understand. Some of them won't and it is a test of relationships when the one who is sick finally adapts. But the distinction is important. It matters.

We do not question when someone who has been diabetic starts living the way they should to be healthy, asking them "are you sure you were diabetic before when you ate those donuts?" Why? Because we applaud that they're taking care of themselves. And yet it is so easy to look at someone who has started slowing down, resting more, respecting their own physical limits and say "You were sick before, nothing's changed, you're milking it." Because you can't see it and a lot of the time, you've never heard of it. Worse when the doctors aren't even sure what the diseases are - they have a name, but no origin, vague diagnostic criteria, very little treatment and no cure.

I was discharged from the Army because one of my NCOs couldn't understand a disease he couldn't see and couldn't be cured, but wasn't fatal. Our Spoonie above who had problems with those close to her....well, thankfully, her SO came around after some long talks. I could go on from friends and Spoonies who have lost jobs, friendships, relationships because someone couldn't be bothered to understand. I'm at the point where I'm tired of fighting it. If someone understands, or is willing to take the time to understand, golden. If not, they can move on. I don't have the spoons.

It's done!

It took until 4:30 this morning, but everything due for the semester is turned in. I have to do two finals on the 20th and 21st, but that is it. And I couldn't be happier.

This has been a rough semester. Research turned into a much bigger challenge than I expected, and while that's great, it's only by the grace of a phenomenal teacher that I am going to get through it. Biology and Logic have both been a huge struggle all semester, the former due to sheer amount of information and the latter due to a horrific teacher (brilliant mathematician, horrible teacher). But as long as my finals end up solid (not great, but solid) I'll make it through.

Since I don't need to be in NY, I'm going to spend the next week in Va Beach. It'll be nice to get away and I can study there just as well as I can here. And because the boyfriend is awesome, he's going to take care of Indy while I'm in Oklahoma for Christmas. Huzzah!

No surprise, after being up all night and the stress, today has been high pain and low productivity. I wanted to get the house clean today so I would have a nice clean house to come home to, but that's simply not going to happen at the level I wanted. It's hard sometimes to accept that I simply can't do everything I want to. So I'm trying to get things done to leave tomorrow, like laundry, and count everything else as bonus. Also really trying to get the Christmas cards finished and that damnable baby blanket complete.

So, yeah, busy busy.

Random Bits

It's cold! We're supposed to get snow tonight though I'm not sure if it will be around tomorrow. To combat the freezing basement (and my refusal to put the heat above 65), I made some hot buttered rum. I got the recipe from Epicurious and followed suggested modification of adding vanilla ice cream. YUM! Now I'm warm.

My battle with the school over getting GI Bill payments in a timely matter continues to be irritating. But hopefully we'll have an answer tomorrow and I can decide what to do. If they accommodate my request to process the requests at time of registration rather than waiting until after the add/drop period, my life gets much easier as I'll be able to expect my payments to be correct and on time. However, if they refuse to change their policy, I'm not sure what I'll do. I am considering transferring, which I hate to do because I really like the psych, science and math departments at my school. But the extra stress of late payments is really causing a problem. So we'll see.

Mostly, I'm ready for the semester to be over. I'm tired and having a hard time focusing on various things that are coming up due shortly. My Bio Lab Final was today, so I just have a few finals the week of the 20th and I'm done. I'll be traveling all month between Oklahoma and Va Beach, but both places allow me to relax, so I'm looking forward to it. Still deciding what to do with Indy during the Oklahoma portion of the traveling.

Not a fan

It's getting to be that time of year. A lot of things are getting to the point of being due or overdue and not enough of them are done. It's also cold and getting dark early, which means my comfort instincts are kicking in. I want to climb under warm covers, lay in a warm bath, eat sweets and pasta. The fibro and endo both react poorly to cold.

So, in summary, this is not my favorite time of year. Stress plus cold equals a generally long and painful day. It makes me shorter tempered and less capable of dealing with unexpected changes and stress. And, of course, that just makes the whole the worse. Winter is not my favorite time of the year.