Coping vs. Adapting

I am a Spoonie (See Spoon Theory and Butyoudontlooksick.com in my favorite links). The best part about being a Spoonie are the forums of others like me, who may have different issues or the same ones, who understand what I'm going through. When I finally got the Fibro diagnosis (no small feat), the Spoonies rejoiced about it because they understood what it's like to not know what's wrong and then finally have a word to describe it. It's amazing how helpful it is to be able to attach a word to symptoms. It's glorious. Second best thing to a cure.

Recently I read a great comment about coping vs. adapting. It was a response to a Spoonie who had been told by all the people close to her in her life (except her doctor) that it was "all in her head" and that she was "milking it". Harsh words, especially for someone who is sick. I didn't copy the comment because I didn't want to snag without permission, but my take is below.

The definition of coping (per dictionary.com) is to face or deal with responsibilities, problems or difficulties, esp. successfully or in a calm or adequate manner.

The definition of adapting is to adapt oneself to different conditions, enviroment, etc.

Coping is an important skill in life. It's how you deal with things that you might not yet be ready for. No one sees the struggle and the fight. Great if you're suddenly in a leadership position and people are looking to you for command or for reassurance.

Adapting is also very important because genetics and evolution has taught us that those species which adapt also survive.

However, if you're sick, they are a completely different set of skills.

Every person who is sick starts out learning to cope. To get through the day and then the next. To put one foot in front of another. To get through, get by. And that part about a calm or adequate manner is so important at first. It matters so much for people to not know - for the people who are your friends to think you're fine. It's vital. It means that you're not changed, really. You're the same person, just with this small thing that can be brushed away. It's just a word.

But eventually, at some point, you come to terms with being ill. You accept that it's part of you. It doesn't define you, but it's part of you and you must take it into account (Spoon Theory). It will be not brushed under the rug or ignored. And so you learn to live with it. You learn tricks and tips that become your new way of life. And while the world doesn't need to see your impairment, you start to allow those who are your friends in. You let them see that your good days aren't always as good as you say and that you have bad days. You have adapted.

However, this can lead to some just confusion among those who are brought up to speed in the adapting phase. They knew you had this illness, and that hasn't changed, so why are you suddenly acting ill? Why are you canceling plans and using your illness as an "excuse" when you never did before? It's easy to see why they wouldn't understand. Some of them won't and it is a test of relationships when the one who is sick finally adapts. But the distinction is important. It matters.

We do not question when someone who has been diabetic starts living the way they should to be healthy, asking them "are you sure you were diabetic before when you ate those donuts?" Why? Because we applaud that they're taking care of themselves. And yet it is so easy to look at someone who has started slowing down, resting more, respecting their own physical limits and say "You were sick before, nothing's changed, you're milking it." Because you can't see it and a lot of the time, you've never heard of it. Worse when the doctors aren't even sure what the diseases are - they have a name, but no origin, vague diagnostic criteria, very little treatment and no cure.

I was discharged from the Army because one of my NCOs couldn't understand a disease he couldn't see and couldn't be cured, but wasn't fatal. Our Spoonie above who had problems with those close to her....well, thankfully, her SO came around after some long talks. I could go on from friends and Spoonies who have lost jobs, friendships, relationships because someone couldn't be bothered to understand. I'm at the point where I'm tired of fighting it. If someone understands, or is willing to take the time to understand, golden. If not, they can move on. I don't have the spoons.