What the Summer Taught Me

I have recently been coming to grips with the fact that I will not be able to function at the speed and productivity level that I am accustomed to. This isn't new or sudden, however I'm starting to accept it rather than fight it. Fighting it leads to exhaustion and more bad days, as well as constant frustration about not meeting goals and deadlines. This summer has been a lesson in acceptance and it's been a hard one. I'm still not all the way there and I hate every single minute of it. One of the things I have always prided myself on is my high productivity level and my ability to turn out very good work in very short time. I can still do that, just not at the rate I used to.

I have had to accept that I will probably never be able to return to a 60 hour work week. I will not be able to function for several days on a few hours of sleep and expect to get out mostly unscathed. That kind of behavior lands me in bed for 2 days. I won't be able to do a lot of the things the way I have done them and the way that I would prefer to do them.

This has not been an easy process and I'm still not sold. It hurts my feeling when people tell me I won't make a self-imposed deadline or laugh off my plans because they don't think my health will hold. Even though their attitudes are thoughtless, they are not necessarily wrong and it's very frustrating. I spent years covering my illnesses and finding ways to hide my bad days. I can't do that as easily anymore and it has changed my interactions with some people in a way that is humbling...and I hate it. It's hard not to resent the good days because they are so often followed by a much worse day. It breaks my heart as I change my plans for the future to accommodate an unreliable body and even worse to see the "I knew it" look from people who doubted my ability to make those plans happen in the first place.

Someday, I hope that I will not longer resent my body for failing me. I pray that I will no longer hate every time I have to say "I can't do that today" because I can't move my legs. Someday, I hope to accept the new order of my world and find the joy in it despite the loss of so much.

But that day is not here yet.